Sarcastic Vampire

It was a damn long day. I woke up few times and fell asleep again.

I had nightmares about my shitty life that I wasted in a large, empty dark castle with numerous tombs. Oh … hey, it’s not a nightmare – this is my reality. I woke up and flew away from my favorite, very comfortable tomb.

Everything was dark and cold around.

“So, the day has to be good,” I thought going down to the bathroom by the spiral stairs.

The mirror over the sink was broken again. With the super vampire clarity, I remembered that last night I went to the bar. I met a very strange geek and drank his blood. It turned out surprisingly bad and smelled like a healthy lifestyle; useful food and the lack of sex.

To kill the nasty taste in the mouth I drank a bottle of vodka.

And after that I thought that I was too pale even for a vampire. That is when I began to worry that I cannot exist in the normal understanding of this word. All I wanted is to see what a monster like me looks like. I went home, did not see myself in any of the numerous mirrors and smashed them all out of annoyance.

I crept very quietly to my casket, but then realized that there is no one else and began to scream, and cry, throwing all the stuff around me. When I calmed down I saw that I broke Chinese porcelain. I became even more upset, went out and drank the blood of some clown that just finished his show.

My return home was spectacular as I beeped on a nonexistent horn and pulled handkerchiefs from my sleeve. After all that, I went to sleep immediately.

The ringing bell on the door pulled me from playing in the bathtub with my rubber duck. What would my dear nurse say about my bad behavior if I would not eat her?

I wore my favorite black robe with ears, thinking that I watch TV too often, and hurried up to open the doors.

Girl Scouts.

“Are they mocking me, sending children to old castles at the terrible night? Don’t they need to go at night with parents? “

“Who dare disturb me?”

“Mr., buy cookies, I want to win the competition.”

And where do I put those cookies? I bought one pack.

The younger generation must be educated, corrupted, and fed on McDonald’s.

I closed the door, put her cookies with the other hundred packs that were taken from the hands, and in some cases even with the hands of scouts.

I decided that I deserve to go to the cinema where according to the words of a young, beautiful and completely dumb blond – the host of a show, had to take place sensational premiere. Directors spent the hack of money on this movie, instead of giving them to the orphans.

I decided to dress casually like a modern teenager. Two garbage bags on foot and one large bag over the head.

I wore Ray-Ban glasses to move unnoticed in the crowd. The secret of Hollywood stars, if they’re going to walk naked on the streets, in the sunglasses “Ray-Ban,” no one will notice them.

I flew to the back door of the cinema. Yes, yes – I did not help the US box office to produce all that crap with my money. My nurse would be really proud of me, if I would not eat her.

I jumped to the kissing seats hoping that somebody will kiss me.

Two hours of horror. I ran, I flew, I was traveling by train from there as fast as if someone asked a priest with holy water to visit me.

Damn Edward made me want to scratch my eyes. And this bugaboo was flickering. Christmas tree, fucking Christmas.

At home I washed my eyes with holy water. Yes, of course it burnt as hell, but not as much as when I was watching this movie.

This pain helped me to feel better, but I decided to find and kill Edward anyway.

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